Exorcism! Anthony Wiener's wierner possessed by evil spirit!

Disgraced former Congressman/horrible genitalia-centric selfie addict/New York mayoral candidate Anthony Wiener's manparts are reportedly possessed by an evil spirit! This d*** ghost is believed to be the true reason why Wiener can't control his ability to take photos of his manparts. Independent exorcists who spoke on the condition of anonymity reported this:

"First of all, it's not a d*** ghost. A ghost is the spirit of a once living human being. The proper terminology would be 'd*** demon'.

The Weiner family enlisted the aid of this dynamic independent exorcist duo to help their relative, Mr. Anthony Weiner, fight this terrible entity.

"We are speaking with the Weiners at the moment about scheduling the exorcism," said one of the independent exorcist team members. "I would give you details about what we plan to do, but we don't want this d*** demon to know our plans. It is a wily and evil creature."  

The Underground Reporter asked a random priest seen crossing the road why no religious institutions would intervene to deal with this dastardly situation.

"Look, I'll pray for him and stuff," random street-crossing priest said, "but this...situation? Yeah, I'm not touching that."

The independent demon-fighting team was asked if they plan to record the exorcism of the malevolent junk monster plaguing Anthony Wiener.

"No," they responded. "That's what it wants. The d*** demon loves to be photographed."

The Underground Reporter was not invited to attend the exorcism.

Shoot-Out at the Little Red Hen's Compound!

The Little Red Hen--who for years has been plagued by her freeloading farm companions--has reportedly executed many of her freeloading farm companions! In the wake of growing food prices, theft of produce has been on the rise. Several farm animals were suspected by the Little Red Hen of stealing her tomatoes. One bovine witness told the Underground Reporter that the Little Red Hen came out with "some kind of boom-stick" and opened fire on the alleged tomato thieves!

Said the Little Red Hen, "You want to take my tomatoes, but you sorry sons-of-chickens never want to help plant them! Well, I got something for that a**! Say hello to my little friend!"

The Little Red Hen-House compound is currently surrounded by the police. The best case scenario is that the Little Red Hen will surrender quietly. The worst case scenario is that there will be a full confrontation with weapons and the surviving offices will have a nice poultry dinner.

DISNEY PRINCESSES AT WAR!

A breakdown in communication has led Snow White and her evil dishwashing animal minions to declare war on the other Disney princesses! Snow White was reported to have taken grave offense to suggestions by the other princesses that Prince Charming is gay.

"We weren't making fun of her," says Ariel. "It was an intervention. Everyone knows he’s gay. His make-up is exactly like hers, for crying out loud! We were trying to help her come out of denial."

Some of the princesses are less cordial. Snow White had been rubbing the other princesses the wrong way with her commentary about their marriages. Relations between Princess Jasmine and Snow White have been at odds since 9/11.

"First of all, it's Queen Jasmine, and yes, I freely admit I enjoyed every bit of that intervention," Jasmine states. "Hell, it was my idea. After that b**** accused my husband of having ties to Al Qaeda, it was game over. I dare her to come to Agrabah. I’m gonna show her a whole new world that she’ll never forget!"

The continued barrage of insults and innuendo created tension in the quorum of queens-to-be. Snow White reportedly taunted Belle for "shacking up with a werewolf" and once referred to Ariel’s husband as being a "fish-f*****." She also allegedly took issue with Tiana being admitted to the organization. Snow White's tenor toward Tiana changed dramatically after Tiana's friend Charlotte LeBouf gave Disney's first princess a black eye.

"That b**** thought I was playin' around. Tiana's my homegirl, I don't play that! Ride n' die, b****, ride n' die!" says Lotte.

The Underground Reporter declined to pursue an interview with Snow White because facing evil, dishwashing squirrels and deer is just not worth it.

Obama's Menu for World Hunger: GRANDPA!

The Underground Reporter has learned that President Obama's health care plan will be funded by selling a soy-based food source to developing countries! The secret ingredient to this delectable nosh? GRANDPA! The Obama administration's death squad addendum--a secret section in the deliberately long and boring health care legislation--was part of a conspiracy to destroy Medicare and Social Security.

"Well, it's not just that it's a cheap way of feeding undeveloped or developing countries while making a few bucks," says an unnamed source. "This is also payback for the 2000 presidential election."

Many sources speculate that this plot goes far beyond the Obama administration, saying it was part of the decades-long design which included Obama's ascent to the highest office in the land so that this monstrous yet tasty plan could be activated!

"Obama was genetically bred for the job in Kenya to avoid any authorities becoming aware of this plan," states a different source. "Plus we needed more time to round up more senior citizens to Florida so they would be easier to find."

SOYLENT GRAY IS GRANDPA!

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PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

A not-so-long time ago in a capital far, far away...

COMING SOON TO A CONGRESS NEAR YOU!

Reindeer to Boycott Alaska!

In a shocking development, representatives from the Association for Northern Teamsters' Legal and Employment Representation, or A.N.T.L.E.R., have announced that they will refuse to fly into Alaskan airspace this Christmas to protest Alaskan hunting laws!

"When we saw Sarah Palin--a known moose and caribou serial killer--ascend into the spotlight and not die we decided enough was enough," Prancer stated. "The plight of our brother moose and caribou cannot be ignored anymore!"

This newfound sense of duty has been met with cheering and applause. All are praising these daring eight reindeer and their red-nosed alternate for speaking up against the menace of Sarah Palin.

"Hey, it's not like Santa has a say in it," Rudolph replied. "He won't even walk to the fridge, do you think he's gonna walk around the world to deliver presents?"

Santa Claus was sought for comment but only screamed "Didn't I tell you not to come back here?" before firing a rifle at the Underground Reporter.

Misfit Toys Sue Santa!

The Underground Reporter has discovered that the ACLU is pursuing a class-action lawsuit against Jolly Jelly Belly Inc. which is owned and run by a Mr. Kris Kringle aka Santa Claus citing discrimination against misfit toys because of their disabilities. Often described as "faulty craftsmanship," these allegedly undesirable yet fun-loving dolls, vehicles and games are cast out to the Island of Misfit Toys to not be played with for eternity.

Attorneys representing Claus have issued a statement stating that the suit was frivolous because the North Pole is not subject to U.S. laws. However, the courageous cast-offs will not be deterred. "We are petitioning the U.S. Attorney General or other countries to take up the issue," a reject toy soldier told the Underground Reporter. "And for the record, I am not a doll, I am an action figure!"

Santa Claus was sought for an interview but would only shout from a window: "Those jacked-up little m************ should be glad I let them have an island retirement home instead of torching their a****! I can't believe those f****** pieces of s*** are trying to sue me! You can't sue me, I'm Santa Claus, b****! F*** them and f*** you, too!"

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Eeyore Sues Democrats!

In a shocking declaration, the lovable and perma-depressed Eeyore announced his intent to sue the U.S. Democratic Party for the unauthorized use of his grandmother's image! Eeyore claims that the symbol used by the Democrats legally belongs to him, thus making him entitled to over 178 years of unsettled royalties.

"That's my Mee-Maw," the über-morose quadruped told the Underground Reporter. "They took her picture and stole our color."

Democratic Party chairman Howard Dean denied allegations that after being notified of the suit, Dean contacted the blue cartoon character and threatened to "fly down to Disney World and erase [his] a**."

A similar claim was filed against the Republicans by Babar the elephant and Dumbo, but was halted after they were apprehended and sent to Guantanamo Bay. VP Cheney released a statement that there was evidence connecting the pachyderms to Al Qaeda.

NAMBLA Protests Foley Resignation!

Amid allegations that Rep. Mark Foley's (R-Fla.) obsession with pages had nothing to do with long books, Foley has gained a new ally. The North American Man-Boy Love Association, or NAMBLA, has taken up the charge to fight for the reinstatement of Foley into Congress.

Said a NAMBLA official to the Underground Reporter: "Cards, donations and child pornography have poured in from concerned members that felt Foley's presence in the House of Representatives was our only chance of getting the children the U.S. won't let us have."

The NAMBLA official was scheduled to do another interview, but had to cancel after his arrest following a Dateline NBC To Catch a Predator sting; the protest may be delayed for 5-10 years.

Michael Jackson is rumored to have anonymously sent a donation to NAMBLA's Operation Foley-Reinstation.

School House Block

In his attempt to curb the deficit, President Bush has included drastic cuts to educational programs such as federal student loans!

"Since the rich are getting tax cuts, we need more poor people to pick up the slack, so we thought, hey--no education, no job. No job, more poor people!" a source told the Underground Reporter. "It's brilliant!"

Despite the criticism for this dramatic measure, President Bush is still confident that the plan is foolproof.

"Our children is still learning," President Bush insisted.

Angry Cats Protest Year of Dog!

An extremely large group of outraged cats in China have massed inside Tianamen Square to protest the upcoming Chinese New Year! Although most celebrations have never encountered any trouble from the local feline population, the Year of the Dog is marked with kitty chaos. Two protesters, a Persian White and a Tabby, expressed their rage over the approaching year:

"狗是坏!" the Persian told the Underground Reporter. "我们恨他们! 他们不需要是庆祝!"

Officials responsible for the annual celebration of the Chinese New Year pointed out that there is the Year of the Tiger, but this did not appease the angry cats.

"我恨所有狗!" said the Tabby. "所有狗必须死!"

Leader Meow Ze Dong was not available for comment.

Pat Robertson: Mover, Shaker...Antichrist?

With his torrent of verbal faux pas, scholars and average people around the globe are now asking the question that the Underground Reporter asked eight days ago: Is Pat Robertson the Antichrist?

"It makes sense," a scholar said. "He knows so much about Hell that he must be from there."

Upon learning that the connection between Pat Robertson and the Antichrist was being made, a statement was issued from Hell to dispel the allegations:

"Hell, no, he's not the Antichrist! The Antichrist is intelligent and well-spoken. We are deeply disturbed and offended by these claims. Please do your homework before making such wild accusations in the future."

The Antichrist has requested a public apology in lieu of filing defamation of character suits.

Crooked Lobbyist Rats on Crooked Politicians!

Corrupt politicians everywhere are incensed about Jack Abramoff, citing his blatant failure to keep it on the down low.

"He is a filthy rat with no morals!" a shady politician exclaimed angrily. "What kind of world do we live in? There isn't even honor among thieves anymore!"

Sources indicate that after the Abramoff confessions, several Senators were reported to be locked in their offices, playing "break-up" music and sobbing loudly.

"How could he buy me and then just sell me out like that?" a weepy, crooked politician said to the Underground Reporter. "He gave me a boat - I thought I meant something to him...I just feel so used!"

A spokesperson for Abramoff shrugged and replied, "Well...what else did you expect? I mean, duh."

World Leaders Seek Confirmation Hearing for Baby New Year!

In response to the numerous disasters and scandals that plagued 2005, world leaders met and after an unanimous vote began a confirmation hearing for Baby New Year 2006. This unprecedented event resulted in the year 2005 being extended for one second. Sources indicate that a representative for the Times appeared and initiated a closed negotiation.

"I didn't say it was a rep for the Times, I said it was a rep for Time," a source told the Underground Reporter. "As in time time - calendars, clocks and all. The rep basically went in and told them to cut the crap or his boss' boss was gonna kick it up a notch next year."

This summit will also be remembered as the briefest global meeting in human history.

Baby New Year 2006 chose to forgo the traditional ceremonial diaper and opted for a tailored tux.

Cereal Killer on the Loose!

Hide your Cheerios! A dastardly series of crimes have officially been determined to be done by the same perpetrator! The victims, unsuspecting boxes of cereal, have all been located near the assassin's calling card: a name spray-painted in red. Local officials are terming these acts as a "war on breakfast."

"Two things about this case puzzle me," a source told the Underground Reporter. "One, who the hell would attack a freaking box of cereal and two, why has no one seen this guy? He's running around town with a can of spray paint and a spoon dripping in milk. I mean, come on!"

The cereal killer has dubbed himself "The Champion."

Secret Furby Spying System Uncloaked!

In the wake of the NSA surveillance scandal, President Bush maintained his pledge to continue the controversial program by authorizing the use of Furbies as intelligence gathering devices.

These shadowy but oddly adorable Gizmo-ripoffs contain audio and visual recording equipment, a source told the Underground Reporter. There are currently two in service: Model 180 and the SpookFurby 3000. The Model 180 is fairly easy to spot to the well-trained eye, but the SpookFurby 3000 utilizes the latest in stealth surveillance technology.

Comments are unavailable due to the fact that the White House has call-blocked this office's telephone number.

Rice Gets Commemorative Food Line!

In an attempt to ease tensions stemming from rumored U.S.-run detainee prisons in Europe, the European Union commissioned an American company to create a line of tasty dried foods in honor of the goodwill visits conducted by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

Which American food company was selected for the task? A spokesperson for the Council of the European Union told the Underground Reporter:

“I believe I shall respond with Rice's own words: ‘We cannot discuss information that would compromise the success of intelligence, law enforcement, and military operations. We expect other nations share this view.’”

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John Wayne's Ghost's Movie Review: Brokeback Mountain

As part of a new lineup for this site, legendary stars will occasionally be selected to give reviews of modern-day flicks. John Wayne was chosen to give a review of the latest western, Brokeback Mountain.

"Is this some kinda artsy love show, pilgrim?" he asked twenty minutes into the production.

It was perceived that Mr. Wayne's spirit was no longer paying attention to the film, until during a love scene, he began his review:

"What in Sam Hell!" Mr. Wayne exclaimed. "What kinda crazy ranch is this?"

Mr. Wayne refused to review the rest of the movie and demanded that the Underground Reporter never make contact with him again. When asked where was he departing to, Mr. Wayne replied:

"To Limbo, you jackass! I am confused!"

College Students Attack Hezbollah!

A group of irate graduate students pooled resources to travel to Lebanon and attacked members of the terrorist group, Hezbollah. Hezbollah leader Sheikh Mohammed Hussein Fadlallah barely managed to escape due to the fact that the students trashed the terrorist group's transportation and artillery before descending down the ladder of civilization and assaulting the group. When questioned on the motives for such a shocking move, the students told the Underground Reporter that they were sick of writing papers about them.

"Every time one of these m************ start bombing or shooting, that's another 30-page paper for us!" exclaimed a student as she strangled a Hezbollah member. "Write one more g****** fatwah, I dare you! I double dare you!"

The angry American student mob plans to join forces with other university students and target other terrorist groups and revolutionaries.

"If one more of you starts acting up and we have to write about it, we are going to kick your a**!" a student declared. "That's our fatwah. Osama, I'd stay in that cave if I were you!"

Satan to Cheney: "Dick, I am your father!"

In a bold flash of sulfur and smoke, Satan descended into the White House daily briefing and dropped some shocking intelligence: he is the father of VP Dick Cheney! Satan has been in the White House for decades, but what drove him to make such a shocking announcement?

"It was time he knew the truth," Satan told the Underground Reporter.

Cheney's mother could not be reached for comment, but sources suggest that Satan is in fact her baby's daddy.

"I wanted him to come home and take over the family business," says Satan. "But he's doing a good job of running it from here."

When sought for comment, Cheney replied, "Go f*** yourself."

U.S. Gov't Funds Secret Cloning Project!

If you have ever wondered as a child why there are so many g****** Santas floating about during the holiday season, you will finally have those answers! The U.S. government has been funding a massive top secret cloning project in the North Pole for decades, states our White House source. To date, they have cloned an army of the rosy-cheeked fellow, who has avoided prosecution for billions of trespassing and animal rights violations by annually bribing the victims with gifts.

"It has been common knowledge to us for years," states our source, who wishes to remain anonymous. "The guy in the loud red suit at the mall is not an imposter, it's that fat f*** Santa, only now there are hundreds of him."

Horror Icons Crash Christmas!

In response to retailers forcing Christmas in October, Halloween horror icons have decided to strike back by starting a holiday coup. The vanguards for the rebellion are Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees.

"Halloween is our time to shine," Krueger said to the Underground Reporter. "We are sick of this. Let's see how fast they bring up Christmas next year after we screw up their sleep for a few months."

Krueger and Voorhees were accompanied by the Scream serial killer and Michael Myers, whom offered no comment. Tom Turkey is rumored to be joining the fight soon on behalf of Thanksgiving. This case was presented to the ACLU to see if there was any legal merit, but the attorneys were too frightened to commit. It is reported that three had heart attacks and one is comatose.

When questioned about this setback, Voorhees angrily responded, "Ch-ch-ch-ch, ha-ha-ha-ha!"

The New Face of Terror

A group of radical penguins known as the PLF (Penguin Liberation Front) plan to raid the annual Christmas Gala at the White House, according to WH sources. The Department of Homeland Security has increased the threat index from yellow to "WTF."

Intelligence was received from a belligerent that cracked when told that he would be personally interviewed by VP Cheney. DHS states that they do not yet know the whereabouts of the PLF, but are diligently searching for the locale of this most grave threat. The Underground Reporter questioned the leader of these maniacal flightless seabirds at their secret location at the Smithsonian's National Zoo in Washington, D.C. He stated that penguins have always resented the mocking of their species by ours through our use of tuxedos, nuns and the invention of the airplane, but they have chosen to target the U.S. because the filming of March of the Penguins proved to be the proverbial back-breaking straw.

"It is bad enough that you mock us so callously, but then we did not receive a damn dime from the movie's revenue!" states PLF leader Flopper.