Friday, November 28, 2008

Misfit Toys Sue Santa!

The Underground Reporter has discovered that the ACLU is pursuing a class-action lawsuit against Jolly Jelly Belly Inc. which is owned and run by a Mr. Kris Kringle aka Santa Claus citing discrimination against misfit toys because of their disabilities. Often described as "faulty craftsmanship," these allegedly undesirable yet fun-loving dolls, vehicles and games are cast out to the Island of Misfit Toys to not be played with for eternity.

Attorneys representing Claus have issued a statement stating that the suit was frivolous because the North Pole is not subject to U.S. laws. However, the courageous cast-offs will not be deterred. "We are petitioning the U.S. Attorney General or other countries to take up the issue," a reject toy soldier told the Underground Reporter. "And for the record, I am not a doll, I am an action figure!"

Santa Claus was sought for an interview but would only shout from a window: "Those jacked-up little m************ should be glad I let them have an island retirement home instead of torching their a****! I can't believe those f****** pieces of s*** are trying to sue me! You can't sue me, I'm Santa Claus, b****! F*** them and f*** you, too!"