Thursday, December 14, 2006

Eeyore Sues Democrats!

In a shocking declaration, the lovable and perma-depressed Eeyore announced his intent to sue the U.S. Democratic Party for the unauthorized use of his grandmother's image! Eeyore claims that the symbol used by the Democrats legally belongs to him, thus making him entitled to over 178 years of unsettled royalties.

"That's my Mee-Maw," the über-morose quadruped told the Underground Reporter. "They took her picture and stole our color."

Democratic Party chairman Howard Dean denied allegations that after being notified of the suit, Dean contacted the blue cartoon character and threatened to "fly down to Disney World and erase [his] a**."

A similar claim was filed against the Republicans by Babar the elephant and Dumbo, but was halted after they were apprehended and sent to Guantanamo Bay. VP Cheney released a statement that there was evidence connecting the pachyderms to Al Qaeda.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

NAMBLA Protests Foley Resignation!

Amid allegations that Rep. Mark Foley's (R-Fla.) obsession with pages had nothing to do with long books, Foley has gained a new ally. The North American Man-Boy Love Association, or NAMBLA, has taken up the charge to fight for the reinstatement of Foley into Congress.

Said a NAMBLA official to the Underground Reporter: "Cards, donations and child pornography have poured in from concerned members that felt Foley's presence in the House of Representatives was our only chance of getting the children the U.S. won't let us have."

The NAMBLA official was scheduled to do another interview, but had to cancel after his arrest following a Dateline NBC To Catch a Predator sting; the protest may be delayed for 5-10 years.

Michael Jackson is rumored to have anonymously sent a donation to NAMBLA's Operation Foley-Reinstation.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

School House Block

In his attempt to curb the deficit, President Bush has included drastic cuts to educational programs such as federal student loans!

"Since the rich are getting tax cuts, we need more poor people to pick up the slack, so we thought, hey--no education, no job. No job, more poor people!" a source told the Underground Reporter. "It's brilliant!"

Despite the criticism for this dramatic measure, President Bush is still confident that the plan is foolproof.

"Our children is still learning," President Bush insisted.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Angry Cats Protest Year of Dog!

An extremely large group of outraged cats in China have massed inside Tianamen Square to protest the upcoming Chinese New Year! Although most celebrations have never encountered any trouble from the local feline population, the Year of the Dog is marked with kitty chaos. Two protesters, a Persian White and a Tabby, expressed their rage over the approaching year:

"狗是坏!" the Persian told the Underground Reporter. "我们恨他们! 他们不需要是庆祝!"

Officials responsible for the annual celebration of the Chinese New Year pointed out that there is the Year of the Tiger, but this did not appease the angry cats.

"我恨所有狗!" said the Tabby. "所有狗必须死!"

Leader Meow Ze Dong was not available for comment.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Pat Robertson: Mover, Shaker...Antichrist?

With his torrent of verbal faux pas, scholars and average people around the globe are now asking the question that the Underground Reporter asked eight days ago: Is Pat Robertson the Antichrist?

"It makes sense," a scholar said. "He knows so much about Hell that he must be from there."

Upon learning that the connection between Pat Robertson and the Antichrist was being made, a statement was issued from Hell to dispel the allegations:

"Hell, no, he's not the Antichrist! The Antichrist is intelligent and well-spoken. We are deeply disturbed and offended by these claims. Please do your homework before making such wild accusations in the future."

The Antichrist has requested a public apology in lieu of filing defamation of character suits.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Crooked Lobbyist Rats on Crooked Politicians!

Corrupt politicians everywhere are incensed about Jack Abramoff, citing his blatant failure to keep it on the down low.

"He is a filthy rat with no morals!" a shady politician exclaimed angrily. "What kind of world do we live in? There isn't even honor among thieves anymore!"

Sources indicate that after the Abramoff confessions, several Senators were reported to be locked in their offices, playing "break-up" music and sobbing loudly.

"How could he buy me and then just sell me out like that?" a weepy, crooked politician said to the Underground Reporter. "He gave me a boat - I thought I meant something to him...I just feel so used!"

A spokesperson for Abramoff shrugged and replied, "Well...what else did you expect? I mean, duh."

Sunday, January 01, 2006

World Leaders Seek Confirmation Hearing for Baby New Year!

In response to the numerous disasters and scandals that plagued 2005, world leaders met and after an unanimous vote began a confirmation hearing for Baby New Year 2006. This unprecedented event resulted in the year 2005 being extended for one second. Sources indicate that a representative for the Times appeared and initiated a closed negotiation.

"I didn't say it was a rep for the Times, I said it was a rep for Time," a source told the Underground Reporter. "As in time time - calendars, clocks and all. The rep basically went in and told them to cut the crap or his boss' boss was gonna kick it up a notch next year."

This summit will also be remembered as the briefest global meeting in human history.

Baby New Year 2006 chose to forgo the traditional ceremonial diaper and opted for a tailored tux.