Saturday, January 21, 2006

Angry Cats Protest Year of Dog!

An extremely large group of outraged cats in China have massed inside Tianamen Square to protest the upcoming Chinese New Year! Although most celebrations have never encountered any trouble from the local feline population, the Year of the Dog is marked with kitty chaos. Two protesters, a Persian White and a Tabby, expressed their rage over the approaching year:

"狗是坏!" the Persian told the Underground Reporter. "我们恨他们! 他们不需要是庆祝!"

Officials responsible for the annual celebration of the Chinese New Year pointed out that there is the Year of the Tiger, but this did not appease the angry cats.

"我恨所有狗!" said the Tabby. "所有狗必须死!"

Leader Meow Ze Dong was not available for comment.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Pat Robertson: Mover, Shaker...Antichrist?

With his torrent of verbal faux pas, scholars and average people around the globe are now asking the question that the Underground Reporter asked eight days ago: Is Pat Robertson the Antichrist?

"It makes sense," a scholar said. "He knows so much about Hell that he must be from there."

Upon learning that the connection between Pat Robertson and the Antichrist was being made, a statement was issued from Hell to dispel the allegations:

"Hell, no, he's not the Antichrist! The Antichrist is intelligent and well-spoken. We are deeply disturbed and offended by these claims. Please do your homework before making such wild accusations in the future."

The Antichrist has requested a public apology in lieu of filing defamation of character suits.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Crooked Lobbyist Rats on Crooked Politicians!

Corrupt politicians everywhere are incensed about Jack Abramoff, citing his blatant failure to keep it on the down low.

"He is a filthy rat with no morals!" a shady politician exclaimed angrily. "What kind of world do we live in? There isn't even honor among thieves anymore!"

Sources indicate that after the Abramoff confessions, several Senators were reported to be locked in their offices, playing "break-up" music and sobbing loudly.

"How could he buy me and then just sell me out like that?" a weepy, crooked politician said to the Underground Reporter. "He gave me a boat - I thought I meant something to him...I just feel so used!"

A spokesperson for Abramoff shrugged and replied, "Well...what else did you expect? I mean, duh."

Sunday, January 01, 2006

World Leaders Seek Confirmation Hearing for Baby New Year!

In response to the numerous disasters and scandals that plagued 2005, world leaders met and after an unanimous vote began a confirmation hearing for Baby New Year 2006. This unprecedented event resulted in the year 2005 being extended for one second. Sources indicate that a representative for the Times appeared and initiated a closed negotiation.

"I didn't say it was a rep for the Times, I said it was a rep for Time," a source told the Underground Reporter. "As in time time - calendars, clocks and all. The rep basically went in and told them to cut the crap or his boss' boss was gonna kick it up a notch next year."

This summit will also be remembered as the briefest global meeting in human history.

Baby New Year 2006 chose to forgo the traditional ceremonial diaper and opted for a tailored tux.