Monday, December 01, 2008

Reindeer to Boycott Alaska!

In a shocking development, representatives from the Association for Northern Teamsters' Legal and Employment Representation, or A.N.T.L.E.R., have announced that they will refuse to fly into Alaskan airspace this Christmas to protest Alaskan hunting laws!

"When we saw Sarah Palin--a known moose and caribou serial killer--ascend into the spotlight and not die we decided enough was enough," Prancer stated. "The plight of our brother moose and caribou cannot be ignored anymore!"

This newfound sense of duty has been met with cheering and applause. All are praising these daring eight reindeer and their red-nosed alternate for speaking up against the menace of Sarah Palin.

"Hey, it's not like Santa has a say in it," Rudolph replied. "He won't even walk to the fridge, do you think he's gonna walk around the world to deliver presents?"

Santa Claus was sought for comment but only screamed "Didn't I tell you not to come back here?" before firing a rifle at the Underground Reporter.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Misfit Toys Sue Santa!

The Underground Reporter has discovered that the ACLU is pursuing a class-action lawsuit against Jolly Jelly Belly Inc. which is owned and run by a Mr. Kris Kringle aka Santa Claus citing discrimination against misfit toys because of their disabilities. Often described as "faulty craftsmanship," these allegedly undesirable yet fun-loving dolls, vehicles and games are cast out to the Island of Misfit Toys to not be played with for eternity.

Attorneys representing Claus have issued a statement stating that the suit was frivolous because the North Pole is not subject to U.S. laws. However, the courageous cast-offs will not be deterred. "We are petitioning the U.S. Attorney General or other countries to take up the issue," a reject toy soldier told the Underground Reporter. "And for the record, I am not a doll, I am an action figure!"

Santa Claus was sought for an interview but would only shout from a window: "Those jacked-up little m************ should be glad I let them have an island retirement home instead of torching their a****! I can't believe those f****** pieces of s*** are trying to sue me! You can't sue me, I'm Santa Claus, b****! F*** them and f*** you, too!"