Friday, April 15, 2011

Shoot-Out at the Little Red Hen's Compound!

The Little Red Hen--who for years has been plagued by her freeloading farm companions--has reportedly executed many of her freeloading farm companions! In the wake of growing food prices, theft of produce has been on the rise. Several farm animals were suspected by the Little Red Hen of stealing her tomatoes. One bovine witness told the Underground Reporter that the Little Red Hen came out with "some kind of boom-stick" and opened fire on the alleged tomato thieves!

Said the Little Red Hen, "You want to take my tomatoes, but you sorry sons-of-chickens never want to help plant them! Well, I got something for that a**! Say hello to my little friend!"

The Little Red Hen-House compound is currently surrounded by the police. The best case scenario is that the Little Red Hen will surrender quietly. The worst case scenario is that there will be a full confrontation with weapons and the surviving offices will have a nice poultry dinner.

Thursday, March 31, 2011


A breakdown in communication has led Snow White and her evil dishwashing animal minions to declare war on the other Disney princesses! Snow White was reported to have taken grave offense to suggestions by the other princesses that Prince Charming is gay.

"We weren't making fun of her," says Ariel. "It was an intervention. Everyone knows he’s gay. His make-up is exactly like hers, for crying out loud! We were trying to help her come out of denial."

Some of the princesses are less cordial. Snow White had been rubbing the other princesses the wrong way with her commentary about their marriages. Relations between Princess Jasmine and Snow White have been at odds since 9/11.

"First of all, it's Queen Jasmine, and yes, I freely admit I enjoyed every bit of that intervention," Jasmine states. "Hell, it was my idea. After that b**** accused my husband of having ties to Al Qaeda, it was game over. I dare her to come to Agrabah. I’m gonna show her a whole new world that she’ll never forget!"

The continued barrage of insults and innuendo created tension in the quorum of queens-to-be. Snow White reportedly taunted Belle for "shacking up with a werewolf" and once referred to Ariel’s husband as being a "fish-f*****." She also allegedly took issue with Tiana being admitted to the organization. Snow White's tenor toward Tiana changed dramatically after Tiana's friend Charlotte LeBouf gave Disney's first princess a black eye.

"That b**** thought I was playin' around. Tiana's my homegirl, I don't play that! Ride n' die, b****, ride n' die!" says Lotte.

The Underground Reporter declined to pursue an interview with Snow White because facing evil, dishwashing squirrels and deer is just not worth it.