Cereal Killer on the Loose!

Hide your Cheerios! A dastardly series of crimes have officially been determined to be done by the same perpetrator! The victims, unsuspecting boxes of cereal, have all been located near the assassin's calling card: a name spray-painted in red. Local officials are terming these acts as a "war on breakfast."

"Two things about this case puzzle me," a source told the Underground Reporter. "One, who the hell would attack a freaking box of cereal and two, why has no one seen this guy? He's running around town with a can of spray paint and a spoon dripping in milk. I mean, come on!"

The cereal killer has dubbed himself "The Champion."

Secret Furby Spying System Uncloaked!

In the wake of the NSA surveillance scandal, President Bush maintained his pledge to continue the controversial program by authorizing the use of Furbies as intelligence gathering devices.

These shadowy but oddly adorable Gizmo-ripoffs contain audio and visual recording equipment, a source told the Underground Reporter. There are currently two in service: Model 180 and the SpookFurby 3000. The Model 180 is fairly easy to spot to the well-trained eye, but the SpookFurby 3000 utilizes the latest in stealth surveillance technology.

Comments are unavailable due to the fact that the White House has call-blocked this office's telephone number.

Rice Gets Commemorative Food Line!

In an attempt to ease tensions stemming from rumored U.S.-run detainee prisons in Europe, the European Union commissioned an American company to create a line of tasty dried foods in honor of the goodwill visits conducted by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

Which American food company was selected for the task? A spokesperson for the Council of the European Union told the Underground Reporter:

“I believe I shall respond with Rice's own words: ‘We cannot discuss information that would compromise the success of intelligence, law enforcement, and military operations. We expect other nations share this view.’”

This featured product also comes in Chicken.

John Wayne's Ghost's Movie Review: Brokeback Mountain

As part of a new lineup for this site, legendary stars will occasionally be selected to give reviews of modern-day flicks. John Wayne was chosen to give a review of the latest western, Brokeback Mountain.

"Is this some kinda artsy love show, pilgrim?" he asked twenty minutes into the production.

It was perceived that Mr. Wayne's spirit was no longer paying attention to the film, until during a love scene, he began his review:

"What in Sam Hell!" Mr. Wayne exclaimed. "What kinda crazy ranch is this?"

Mr. Wayne refused to review the rest of the movie and demanded that the Underground Reporter never make contact with him again. When asked where was he departing to, Mr. Wayne replied:

"To Limbo, you jackass! I am confused!"

College Students Attack Hezbollah!

A group of irate graduate students pooled resources to travel to Lebanon and attacked members of the terrorist group, Hezbollah. Hezbollah leader Sheikh Mohammed Hussein Fadlallah barely managed to escape due to the fact that the students trashed the terrorist group's transportation and artillery before descending down the ladder of civilization and assaulting the group. When questioned on the motives for such a shocking move, the students told the Underground Reporter that they were sick of writing papers about them.

"Every time one of these m************ start bombing or shooting, that's another 30-page paper for us!" exclaimed a student as she strangled a Hezbollah member. "Write one more g****** fatwah, I dare you! I double dare you!"

The angry American student mob plans to join forces with other university students and target other terrorist groups and revolutionaries.

"If one more of you starts acting up and we have to write about it, we are going to kick your a**!" a student declared. "That's our fatwah. Osama, I'd stay in that cave if I were you!"

Satan to Cheney: "Dick, I am your father!"

In a bold flash of sulfur and smoke, Satan descended into the White House daily briefing and dropped some shocking intelligence: he is the father of VP Dick Cheney! Satan has been in the White House for decades, but what drove him to make such a shocking announcement?

"It was time he knew the truth," Satan told the Underground Reporter.

Cheney's mother could not be reached for comment, but sources suggest that Satan is in fact her baby's daddy.

"I wanted him to come home and take over the family business," says Satan. "But he's doing a good job of running it from here."

When sought for comment, Cheney replied, "Go f*** yourself."

U.S. Gov't Funds Secret Cloning Project!

If you have ever wondered as a child why there are so many g****** Santas floating about during the holiday season, you will finally have those answers! The U.S. government has been funding a massive top secret cloning project in the North Pole for decades, states our White House source. To date, they have cloned an army of the rosy-cheeked fellow, who has avoided prosecution for billions of trespassing and animal rights violations by annually bribing the victims with gifts.

"It has been common knowledge to us for years," states our source, who wishes to remain anonymous. "The guy in the loud red suit at the mall is not an imposter, it's that fat f*** Santa, only now there are hundreds of him."

Horror Icons Crash Christmas!

In response to retailers forcing Christmas in October, Halloween horror icons have decided to strike back by starting a holiday coup. The vanguards for the rebellion are Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees.

"Halloween is our time to shine," Krueger said to the Underground Reporter. "We are sick of this. Let's see how fast they bring up Christmas next year after we screw up their sleep for a few months."

Krueger and Voorhees were accompanied by the Scream serial killer and Michael Myers, whom offered no comment. Tom Turkey is rumored to be joining the fight soon on behalf of Thanksgiving. This case was presented to the ACLU to see if there was any legal merit, but the attorneys were too frightened to commit. It is reported that three had heart attacks and one is comatose.

When questioned about this setback, Voorhees angrily responded, "Ch-ch-ch-ch, ha-ha-ha-ha!"

The New Face of Terror

A group of radical penguins known as the PLF (Penguin Liberation Front) plan to raid the annual Christmas Gala at the White House, according to WH sources. The Department of Homeland Security has increased the threat index from yellow to "WTF."

Intelligence was received from a belligerent that cracked when told that he would be personally interviewed by VP Cheney. DHS states that they do not yet know the whereabouts of the PLF, but are diligently searching for the locale of this most grave threat. The Underground Reporter questioned the leader of these maniacal flightless seabirds at their secret location at the Smithsonian's National Zoo in Washington, D.C. He stated that penguins have always resented the mocking of their species by ours through our use of tuxedos, nuns and the invention of the airplane, but they have chosen to target the U.S. because the filming of March of the Penguins proved to be the proverbial back-breaking straw.

"It is bad enough that you mock us so callously, but then we did not receive a damn dime from the movie's revenue!" states PLF leader Flopper.